So its never too early to worry about going home

Hey, so I’ve been here about six months now (Actually, my whole training group has, we haven’t lost anyone. Isn’t that great?), and I still love it. Which leads me to think about going home, and what that might mean.
Day to day, I’m really happy here. Downright joyful sometimes. And on the days that I’m not quite so elated, I’m at least physically and mentally engaged such that I’m never bored. That being said, I’m remembering when I was home, I was pretty happy, most of the time. But there were times when I very much had a feeling of “now what?” plaguing me. These feelings were a big part of me deciding to join the Peace Corps. Don’t get me wrong, I liked my job enough, and wanted to advance. In fact I was positive at the time that I was meant to be a teacher (maybe I still will, later on). I liked my friends. I liked my living situation. But I didn’t feel this ALIVE, and now that I have, I wonder if I could go back to doing what I was doing and feel content. Maybe I’m one of those fabulously lucky people who can always find a way to be happy wherever she is. Maybe I can totally go back to the life I was living, make it mine again, and it will be great. Or maybe now that I’ve felt this free, I can’t. I don’t know.
Which begs the question, what do I love so much about being here? Mostly it stems from feeling that I am fully in charge of my life, and what I get to do day to day. If I think that something is a good idea, I do it. If it doesn’t, I don’t. I get to choose. And what is really nice, is that I get paid either way, so its not a financial risk like making a business work and being my own boss. I like that my job is often just enjoying people, or as Pastor Dave likes to say “loving on them.” I get to chat with people, laugh with them, dance with them, ask them questions about themselves. If I’m in a position to help someone, then I do. I get to be a big sister to about 30 kids in the neighborhood. That’s my job. Try to find that in the States. its not there.
I also feel a lot more confident in myself and much stronger now than I have in the last few years. I’m more accepting of personal short-comings, both my own and other people’s. I don’t WORRY about things nearly so much, and am a lot more content to just let life happen, doing what I can and leaving the rest to the universe. I feel a lot more creative now than I have had time to feel in the last few years. All said, I think this means I need a job where I am my own boss, or at least have a whole lot of freedom and leeway in my activities, time schedule, work-related goals. and i'm not sure how to find that, exactly.
Its not that I don’t miss Toubabodu (“Land of the toubabs”), there are plenty of things that I miss--Friends and family, jeans that fit and don’t hang off my skinny butt, turkey sandwiches on sliced wheat bread with tomato, lettuce, cheddar cheese, mayo and yellow mustard…..and my skin not looking like crap, to name a few. But honestly I don’t want to go home right now. Or soon. (or ever?) No need to worry yet, this is just stuff I’ve been pondering lately.

Or perhaps I’m just crazy on Mephloquin. Some people get vivid dreams from their malaria meds, maybe I get delusions of grandeur. And if that’s the case, I’m never going off it. ;-)